We have a love-eight relationship…

Hey!  Do you remember trivia?  The thrill of the question, the agony of the answer?  Throwing shakers full of red pepper flakes at the waitstaff just for laughs, and then ordering them to clean it up like the filthy street people that they are?  Do you remember that?!  DO YOU?!  WELL GOOD!!

Sorry, I had to get ya pumped.  Hey!  Do you remember Reebok’s Pump Sneakers?  DO YOU?!  Oh.  Sorry.  So trivia today was a litany of disappointment and despair.  It’s like when you successfully rob a bank, and you and your co-thieves are cooling off in your discreet hideout, and there’s that one crazy guy who keeps shaking and rocking back and forth and babbling about how its so hot in here and how he really can’t wait to just get out there ya know and just be done with the whole thing and looking at him now you kinda wish you hadn’t given him that gun since he seems loathe to give it back and he keeps cocking and uncocking the thing and you’ve suddenly noticed that it has gotten kinda hot in here and that fan doesn’t seem to be doing anything but moving stagnant air around and you didn’t even realize that you’ve started cocking and uncocking your gun and that damn fan is so loud that you can barely hear yourself think and you think you might just go off at any second and you just wanna get out of here before you snap and unload on every one of these mutha uckas!!!!!1!!1!!!1!1

That’s never actually happened.  But it was still so intense that you had to wipe the sweat off of your brow, no?  Still, the point is we all started shooting at each other.  Which is to say that we lost.  And we lost by missing one freaking answer on the bonus.  The real drag was that it was a bonus that I had anticipated once upon a time and tried to memorize.  Apparently I was Overdrawn at the Memory Bank starring Raul Julia.  And so our team, “Alaskans for Better Book Burning” (which Andy kept calling Alaska’s Better for Book Burning…at least he more or less got all of the words in there…), was all for naught.  Which is a shame because we did pretty well for most of trivia, although we screwed the pooch in round 4.  I think there was a lot of pooch-screwing going on, though, because Andy added an extra round 4 question (that was actually just a warm-up for the bonus…read on!).  We ended up missing questions 8, 12, 13, 14, 16 and 17.  I know that looks bad, but keep in mind that you’re an asshole for pointing out our trivia shortcomings.  (Besides which, Dad was of virtually no help this week, so there was a lot of stalling and flying leaps going on.)  By the way, if you’re wondering about the “Love-Eight” relationship thing, the team that ended up winning was called Eight is Enough.  So, there’s that.

At any rate…HERE BE QUESTIONS!

1.  Who is UT’s starting quarterback?  (There are actually several correct answers to this question.  One of them is Jonathan Crompton.  Another is Lame-athon Crap-ton.  Yet another would be Jonath-ass Cromp-ass.  And still another is Sir Buttface Sucks-a-lot III.  By the way, did you watch that game?  That Tennessee quarterback is some kind of something…)

2.  Which sea separates Turkey and Libya?  (The Mediterranean.  Dad was sure that the countries were Turkey and Lebanon, which are only separated by the Sea of Imagination.  Did you know that on the Sea of Imagination you can cast your nets and catch little fishes…of inspiration?!  Seriously though, if you flash fry those suckers and take em with a tall, cool Caybrew than there actually still pretty terrible tasting.  I usually just catch the fishes of inspiration and the otters of wonderment and club them to death.  With a club.  Of metal.)

3.  Which amendment protects you from unreasonable search and seizure?  (While some doctors of jurisprudence and lameness might say that it’s technically the 4th Amendment, which is what we put, in your bitter, jealous heart you know it’s the 2nd Amendment.  You see, if anyone tries to unreasonably search and seizure all up in your business you just pleasantly remind them that you’re packing your “anti search and seizure spray” that’s actually a gun.  And then you shoot them.  Again with that killing, right?)

4.  Who is John McCain’s running mate?  (That’d be the book-bannin’, moose-huntin’, oil-drinkin’, daughters-underage-sex-out-of-wedlock-havin’ VPilf Sarah Palin.  We would have looked less than serious about our mission of burning books in Alaska if we got this wrong.  Apparently she’s giving a speech about the finer points of snow shoveling vs. snow blowing right now on some channel, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna change it from Dinner: Impossible.)

5.  On this day in 1939, what 2 countries declared war on Germany?  (That’d be Great France and Britain.  Or something like that.  Fun fact: most people assume that France was the first country to have their pooch screwed and surrender in the European theater, outside of Poland and Czech O’ Slovakia of course.  That honor actually belongs to those pussies in Denmark.  Apparently putting Hamlet in charge of your army and throwing the bones of Yorick at the German tanks before retiring for some tasty breakfast pastries was not a successful defense.  On a related note, I really want a tasty breakfast pastry…)

6.  What is the most-visited government websites.  (No, not federallyhotasses.gov.  Although that is a very valid site, apparently the most visited site is irs.gov.  Or, if you like the style employed by fantastically splendiferous late 90s horror films, IRS Dot Com.  Or The Faculty, I guess.  I really don’t watch a lot of horror films.  I did see that one where that guy said that “Showgirls” was scary.  OK, I actually didn’t see that one, but I did see “Showgirls.”  And I’m almost certain that I saw a “Saved By The Bell” made-for-TV-movie where they went to Hawaii.  I guess what I’m saying is that I have a rich cinematic heritage, and that Slater and Jessie are gonna be aaaaaaaaaaalright after all.)

7.  At which altitude can Mach 1 be reached at a lower speed: 20,000 feet or 40,000 feet?  (This question seemed kinda confusing.  The right answer is, of course, 40k ft.  You see, as you get higher up, you get closer to the Earth’s yellow sun, giving you powers equivalent to Superman or Birdman.  Which is to say the power to control the rotation of the Earth itself.  As such, you can threaten to make the world stop spinning in a everyone-dies kind of way [and not in a lame-70's-crap-rock-song-cliche way] if they don’t do as you say.  And you’re first demand, obviously, would be to make it so that you can break the sound barrier at a slower speed at a higher altitude.)

8.  What actor’s mom wrote the book I Amaze Myself?  (Apparently it’s Matthew McConaugh-augh-asdfhasd=-asgdn’s mother.  Sorry, got something stuck in the keyboard there.  We said Brad Pitt.  Apparently Brad Pitt’s mom is not as easily amazed by herself.  Which is surprising, because the Pitts from Iowa, and I imagine that a particularly shiny tractor hitch or a picture of Calvin pissing on a Chevrolet logo would be enough to thoroughly amaze an Iowan.  I mean, they still use Windows 98 there right?  Wacky!)

9.  A cytologist specializes in the study of what?  (Cells.  I really had no good idea, but apparently I had a right idea, so fair enough.  Seriously, I know I studied Greek and Latin roots in 10th grade with Mrs. Doak, but I really don’t remember much of it.  What I do remember is that Mrs. Doak was apparently fooling around [shudder] on the down low with the ROTC guy who was married to Mrs. Willis.  That and listening to a record of James Earl Jones performing the play “The Emperor Jones” on an antiquated piece of equipment that I assume we smuggled in from Iowa.)

10.  What movie was set during Christmas, featured 3 important rules, and starred Phoebe Cates?  (That’d be “Gremlins.”  We’ll call this one serendipity, since we more or less pulled this out of thin air thanks mostly to the “3 rules” part.  I’ve never actually seen Gremlins, but I have seen “feardotcom.”  Or maybe it was “Showgirls.”  Point is, Kelly and Zach’s bonds of love are stronger than any Tiki-curse hokum, am I right?)

11.  What sport was developed by Native Americans as a war training and spiritual exercise and was originally called baaga`adowe?  (That’d be the affordable luxury that is the Buick Lacrosse.  Or just Lacrosse.  As you know, Native Americans were very concerned with high performance and a comfortable ride, but they didn’t want to lose all of their wampum.  Hence, they all got together and decided to create a dream come true, a marriage of form and function, of beauty and brains, or luxury and affordability, of gold paint and old people.  That commercial with the Native American on the side of the road shedding a single tear?  It’s because he’s so damned happy that the car throwing crap on the side of the highway is the same car that keeps American runnin’ strong.)

12.  Globophobia is the fear of what?  (You said globes didn’t you?  WRONG!!  Apparently it’s balloons.  Also apparently this juicy psychological tidbit came from the New England Journal of Health.  PSYCH!!  It actually came from and article People magazine or something.  At any rate, we said “spheres” in a vain attempt to try and say that the answer was globes without actually saying the word globe.)

13.  What Prince song has the following lyrics: “The sky was all purple / There were people running everywhere / Tryin 2 run from the destruction / U know I didn’t even care”?  (The correct answer is “1999″ but we said “7.”  I think we should’ve gotten at least partial credit for choosing a Prince song with a number as a name that deals with slight apocalyptic themes to a groovy Minneapolis beat.  I mean, I can see getting nothing for “Raspberry Beret,” but c’mon!  We said 7!!  It’s only 1,992 off!!  This is the biggest outrage since I called Native American currency as wampum.  Sreiously though, we really should’ve gotten this one and I feel like a freaking idiot for screwing this question’s proverbial pooch.  But, on the other hand, Prince isn’t that cool.)

14.  Who would take over as President AFTER the Secretary of State?  (Apparently it’s the Secretary of the Treasury.  We said the Attorney General, which is actually two notches below Secretary of the Treasury [it goes Treasury, Defense, and then Attorney General].  Interestingly enough, when Andy read out the answer the table across from us seemed genuinely offended that there’s an infinitely tiny chance that through a series of improbable but surely hilarious catastrophes we might end up with the Secretary of Treasury as our leader.  The real outrage in my mind is that the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development technically outranks the Secretary of Energy!  What a liberty!!)

15.  Who directed the following films: “Thief,” “Ali,” and “The Last of the Mohicans?”  (The right answer is Michael Mann, which, coincidentally, is the answer that we put down.  But not because we thought it was the right answer.  I misheard the question and thought that instead of “Thief” he said “Heat.”  Honestly, I was wracking my brain to come up with the name Wolfgang Peterson, which I never did come up with.  We’ll call it serendipity.  Or fate getting up all our hopes before it smashes all our dreams to pieces.  Fate is an inhuman monster.)

16.  In which decade was Velcro patented by George de Mestral of Switzerland?  (It was the swinging fifties, but we said the hard-partying thirties.  In actuality, Velcro was invented in the roaring forties, but it wasn’t officially patented until the girls-gone-wild fifties.  So, really, we didn’t screw the pooch all that much on this question.  I guess it would be like screwing a little pooch, but not a toy dog.  Like a dachshund or something.  But definitely nothing as large as a Labrador retriever or anything like that.  Just so we have the pooch-screwing metaphor properly defined.)

17.  According to Forbes magazine, which fictional character is wealthier: playboy millionaire Tony Stark or millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne?  (We said Stark, Forbes said Wayne.  Honestly I would have expected Bruce Wayne to be more philanthropic with his wealth with Tony Stark to be more miserly, but alas.  The idea behind this absurd number 17 was that the other round 4 questions were too hard, so we were given a superfluous multiple choice 20-pointer to level the playing field on behalf of stupid people.  At least this is the last we need speak of Forbes magazine though.)

BONUS!
Category: Forbes.  Damn it!
Q.  According to Forbes magazine, name 8 of the 10 wealthiest fictional characters.  (I could see this freaking question coming.  The worst part about it was the inevitablity of the whole affair.  And that I had read the list at some point, and it had occurred to me that it might come up as a trivia bonus.  Unfortunately, I didn’t commit the list to memory as fully as I had thought.  Still, we ended up getting 7 of the requried 8.  7!  That crappy number again!  Quit laughing at me, fate!!  Anyway, we were allowed to put Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark on our list, meaning that we really needed 6 of 8, not 8 of 10.  The answers that we got right: Daddy Warbucks, Scrooge McDuck, C. Montgomery “Monty” Burns, Richie Rich, and Jed Clampett.  The other correct answers: Mr. Monopoly, the Nigerian Prince of internet-scam fame, and Thurston Howell III.  In case you’re wondering, the incorrect trio that we offered up consisted of Charles Foster “Citizen” Kane, Lex Luthor, and Santa Claus.  Santa used to top the list, but he was taken off this year because Forbes is a big asshead.  And while we’re on the subject of assheads: Mr. Freaking Monopoly?!  Seriously, what the effing hell?!  He had to pay the fucking poor tax!!  YOU ONLY PAY THE POOR TAX IF YOU’RE POOR.  WHICH HE IS.  EXCEEDINGLY.  I mean, if winning second prize in a beauty pageant is a huge financial boon for you, than there is no way, NO FREAKING WAY, that you could keep up financially with Lex Luthor.  I mean, honestly.  HE GETS AROUND IN A FREAKING THIMBLE!!  Load of crap.)

So, we lost.  It was disheartening.  But, to end on a good note, Andy did give me a gift of a sweet Mellow Mushroom magnet featuring a naked lady whose nudity is obscured by a mellow mushroom pizza box about to devour a slice of pizza.  It says “Get a piece.”  Of pizza, I presume.  Honestly, for a pizza magnet, the pizza bit seems overshadowed by the naked lady bit.  I mean, what are they trying to sell you anyway?  But it’s a nice enough magnet so I think I’ll keep it.

Waaaaaaaaaaait.  I get it.  She’s naked!  Ha!  Brilliant!  You know who’d like that magnet?  Men.