False advertising lawsuit against “The Neverending Story”

At the 1988 Summer Olympics in Seoul, South Korea, Roy Jones, Jr. was vying for the gold medal in the sport of boxing.  He knew that, in order to win the gold medal match against home country favorite son Park Si-Hun, he couldn’t just win the fight; instead he would have to destroy Park.  It seems that at the 1984 games in Los Angeles, there was talk that the boxing judges had favored Americans, including a controversial TKO in the first round of bouts, with eventual gold medal-winning American Paul Gonzales beating Korean hopeful Kim Kwang-Sun.  A Korean official intimated after the mtach in 1984 that the Americans would not be so “fortunate” in 1988.  Back at the 88 Olympics, Jones Jr. took on Park knowing full well what he had to do.  And by God, he didn’t just beat Park, he pummeled the hapless Korean pugilist.  For 3 rounds, Roy Jones, Jr. pounded his overwhelmed opponent, progressing from a cautious stance at the beginning of the fight to almost openly taunting Park by the end of the 3rd round.  At the end of the fight, Jones had landed 86 punches compared to only 32 for Park, had forced a standing 8 count (where the referee stops the fight and starts counting down, like a fighter had hit the mat even though he had not, since Jones was dismantling Park so fiercely), and nobody had any doubt that Jones had won the bout.  Nobody, that is, except for the judges from Uganda, Uruguay, and Morocco.  Surrounded by several thousand fiercely patriotic Korean fans, those three judges ruled in favor of Park, and Park won the gold medal in a split decision, 3-2.  One judge shortly thereafter admitted that they had made the wrong call, and all three were eventually barred from judging in the Olympics.

Long story short, we got third place this week.  And boy did we deserve it.  NOT!  (At this point, although I had offered up my hand for you to shake or to which you could give 5, I promptly pull my hand back and run it through my long luxurious hippie mane.  You stand with egg prominently affixed to your face.)  We actually didn’t do so well this week.  We missed two 10 point questions (5 & and two 15 point questions (9 & 12) as well as booting the bonus.  So, although we mounted a good comeback attempt by sweeping the 20 pointers, we still ended up with a lofty 0 points.  At this point you might be asking “Pray tell, how did you end up in third place if you did not in fact finish the match with any points?”  More likely you’re throwing breakable things against the wall, banging your keyboard with your fists, and screaming “You cheating crap-asses!!  GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MONEY, YOU CHEATING CRAP-ASSES!!!”  (Don’t lie sis.  I know you, and I know how you react to conundrums.)  Well I’ll tell you.  (He’s going to talk, he’s going to talk…)  Apparently, two things happened: 1) Andy thought that we got the question right (which we assuredly did not), and 2) Upon being told that we had answered incorrectly, Andy told us that the team that would have gotten third place were apparently and bunch of cheating crap-asses.  So, he gave it to us.  Go fig.  On a related note, I’m sure that Chris is furious because he kindly came by before the answer to the bonus was revealed and let us know that we were wrong.  So, he knew that we got the question wrong when we were announced as the third-placers.  No doubt he is throwing breakable things against his wall, banging his keyboard with his fists, and calling us a bunch of cheating crap-asses while intoning that we should give him all of our money.  What can I say?  I know the guy.

Two long paragraphs written, I’ll cut to the chase.  HERE BE QUESTIONS!  Oh, and if you’re wondering, the name we eventually went with was “Digital Chinese Fireworks.”  I wasn’t entirely satisfied with the name.  We were considering calling ourselves “12 Year Old Chinese Gymnast,” but it was a good thing we didn’t since another team totally porknined that idea.

Now, with that aside, HERE BE QUESTIONS.  No fibbin’, Mephibosheth.  Tip: to see the answers, highlight the area between the parentheses.

1.  How many stripes are on the American flag?  (13.  Nailed it.  In case you’re wondering, I don’t plan on doing any sort of Electric Slide-type theme nonsense this week.  No IHOPs, or Brendan Fraser films, or other such foolishness.  That would make me a real crap-ass.)

2.  What actress is the granddaughter of Ernest Hemingway and sister of Margo Hemingway?  (Obviously, it’s Mariel Hemingway.  I would have thought that was obvious, or maybe I just assumed that here sharp angular and fairly unattractive visage would be burned into everyone’s cortex the same way it’s burned unto mine.  I mean, honestly, if John Candy were constructing a fantasy world entirely in his head, are we really gonna believe that the hottest love interest he could conjure up would be Mariel Hemingway?  He wasn’t a crap-ass.  At any rate, one team ditched the whole Hemingway name altogether and went with Gwyneth Paltrow.  Crap-asses.)

3.  What is the capital of Colorado?  (Colorado City.  PSYCH!  [See above under "NOT" for the protocol which follows this declaration.]  It is, of course, Denver.  Fun fact!  Did you know that the song “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon, though a minor hit when it came out in the 1970s, really only became a musical mainstay after featuring in the movie “Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead?”  Strange but true!  Like most music, it’s not really popular until it’s been in an Andy Garcia film.)

4.  Which American has won the most gold medals at the 2008 Olympics?  (Michael Phelps.  I assume that you don’t know that since you’re probably only concerned about how Canadian swimmers perform.  But what’s that?  They’re all barely-buoyant crap-asses?  Is it maybe because THEY ARE ALL WEIGHED DOWN BY MAPLE SYRUP, MOOSE REPELLENT AND UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE?!  I say, probably.)

5.  Which of the three Apollo 11 astronauts did NOT walk on the moon?  (We got this one wrong.  Apparently, it was Michael Collins.  Although the real answer was ALL OF THEM since we all know that the moon landing was fake.  Still, I would have thought that Dad, having lived through that whole ruse, would have gotten the answer right.  We said Lt. Commander Bea Arthur, hellcat of the Navy and First Lady of the Solar System.  Apparently, we were crap-asses.  Oh well.)

6.  What stadium houses the Green Monster?  (As you well know, it’s Fenway Park.  Originally Andy called it the “Big Green Monster,” but I corrected him.  I did feel a little like a crap-ass for it, though.  Even though I do it all the time, I always feel a little like an asshole when I do the whole know-it-all schtick and put someone down.  But the sanctity of the Monster must be maintained!  It’s not big, it’s just hormonal and loves chocolate.  At this point I should mention that I once again feel like a crap-ass for the bad joke.  But, again, it’s not enough to stop me.)

7.  What was Cameron Diaz’s first film?  (Somebody stop me!  It was “The Mask,” although I’m having trouble actually placing HER in the movie.  I remember a character that definitely had her cleavage, but I’m pretty sure the non-cleavage part of that character was a singer and I’m also pretty sure that the non-cleavage part of Cameron Diaz would put “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” and hit frappé.  Oh, and, umm…crap-ass?  Maybe?)

8.  What do you call a virgin cow?  (Uptight.  Hi-yo!  Seriously though, it is apparently Heifer.  We put Bossy.  You know, like you’d call a cow Bossy.  As in “Hey Bossy, you’re quite a cow.  And what’s that?  Saving yourself for cow-marriage?  That’s quaint and all, but don’t be a crap-ass.  Half of those things end in tasty, lethal, Black Angus cow-divorce you know.”  Andy laughed at our answer, but I got him back.  I poisoned him.  I grew up on a farm.  Sidenote: Andy originally asked us the name of the character running for president under the slogan “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.”  Immediately thereafter he realized that the original question was stupid hard and gave us the second question.  If you must know the answer, apparently it was “Spraychel.”  I’m sure you’re appalled that he relented on something so obviously easy.)

9.  On this day in 1942, what Disney cartoon premiered at Radio City Music Hall?  (If you said Fantasia, then congratulations!  You’re a crap-ass!  That’s what we said, though, so apparently we’re crap-asses as well.  So don’t feel bad.  Fantasia apparently came out in 1940, a full two years BEFORE Bambi, which is the right answer.  Apparently it was the commercial failure and racist undercurrent in Fantasia that made Walt Disney a crazy, bitter old man who wanted as many children as possible to suffer by killing off Bambi’s mother.  The original film showed the death in all of it’s glory, stretching it out over 25 bloody,  grisly, profane and gloriously horrifying minutes.  That would have shown the little bastards!)

10.  What is the only monosyllabic U.S. state?  (Of course, he didn’t say monosyllabic.  He said “one syllable.”  Crap-ass…whoops, I’m doing that condescending know-it-all thing again, aren’t I?  I guess it is truly I who is the crap-ass.  Anyway, the answer is Maine.  I have no doubt you’d have gotten the right answer, but the question is whether or not you would have gotten the answer without the aid of the alphabetical state song.  I say, probably.)

11.  What Greek mathematician discovered buoyancy and was one of the first to calculate pi?  (It’s Archimedes!  Eureka!  Yeah.  Archimedes.  [cough]  It seems that there’s nothing funny to say about Archimedes.  You can’t tell, but I’ve been trying to think of something hilarious to put here for like fifteen minutes to no avail.  I guess, maybe, Dorkimedes?  Archicrap-ass?  I dunno…)

12.  What movie contains the Klopeks, a furnace, and Corey Feldman?  (It’s “The ‘burbs!”  Starring Tom Hanks!  You know, that one that EVERYONE has seen?  Oh, yeah, except that NOBODY has seen it.  Dad and I put “The Lost Boys” since i really didn’t feel comfortable putting “The Goonies.”  Although “The Goonies” definitely had a Feldman sighting, and I’m pretty sure that the basement where the Fratellis keep Sloth had a furnace.  And what’s a Klopek anyway?  Anyhow, Andy insisted to me that EVERYONE had seen this movie.  “Big” has nothing on “The ‘burbs” as far as he’s concerned.  Freakin’ crap-ass.)

13.  What is the name of the tunnel that connects France and England underneath the English Channel?  (That would be the Channel Tunnel, or, as the kids have taken to calling it, the Chunnel.  Those crazy kids and their crap-assey names for things.  This seems like a really easy twenty point question, especially considering that Andy was ready to subject us to Spraychel a few questions earlier.)

14.  What medicine did German chemist Felix Hoffman develop in 1897?  (That’d be aspirin.  I’m sure you knew that, since I’m sure that you remember the episode of “Pinky and the Brain” where they travel through time to try to take over the world and, failing to do that but succeeding at getting hit on the head with a hammer or something, decide to time travel to 1897 to score some sweet first-issue aspirins.  Or maybe you remember Pinky saying “Narf!”  Both aspirin and Narf! sufficed as answers.)

15.  Which animal is faster: the Mongolian wild ass or the wildebeest?  (Wildebeest.  I don’t like these crap-ass blind luck toss up questions in the 20 point range, but we still got it right, so…still, I’m not convinced that the Mongolian wild ass is real.  When Andy said he’d never seen one, I told him that I was unsurprised that he’d never actually caught a glimpse of an ass.  And I laughed, for contained therein was the sweet essence of humor.  An ass joke.)

16.  Who has been in the following films: “The Bird Cage,” “Mystery Alaska,” and “Heat?”  (Moe himself, Hank Azaria.  I’ve never seen the first two but I have seen “Heat.”  Dad had seen the other 2 but not “Heat.”  So, together, we came up with the least crap-ass answer.  Good for us.)

BONUS!  Category: the Solar System!  Fascinating!
Q.  List the 8 planets of the Solar System (Pluto don’t count, smart guy) in order from largest to smallest.  (Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Earth, Venus, Mars, Mercury.  Dad and I switched Uranus and Neptune.  And Earth and Venus.  But they’re all essentially the same.  Anyway, I’m sure that you called upon your extensive knowledge of Sailor Moon to give you the right answer.  What’s that?  I was the Sailor Moon fan?  Now that doesn’t sound right…stop lying you crap-ass!  Anyway, you can see that we got the answer wrong.  And yet, I still feel good about getting all of the planets in there.  I’m sure that you tried to squeeze in Planet Hollywood or Marlon Brando.  Was that a fat joke about a dead actor of great renown?  Yes.  Was it in extremely poor taste?  I say, probably.)

So, there ya has it.  After a brutal drubbing at the hands of the trivia gods, we still managed an ill-gotten bit of sweet afterlife.  SUCK IT JOHN WESLEYAN!!!!!!!  Free will is for crap-asses anyhow.