The Unbearable Deliciousness of Being.

Once upon a time, there was an old man who lived high in the highest mountains of India.  Each day was a constant struggle against the harsh, unforgiving environment of the Himalayas, man vs. nature ad infinitum.  Every time the man attempted to achieve some task, that stone-cold hosebag Mother Nature would be waiting to bitch-slap success away from the old man.  He grew tired and jaded from the perpetual struggle.  Then, for whatever reason, he lost at trivia.  The end.

That story has already been time-stamped and sent to Disney, so don’t even try to plagiarize it.  I’ll call you when the money starts rolling in so that you can start with the jealous.

Anyway, trivia.  We didn’t win or place, but we made a pretty good showing of it anyhow.  We were in a 4-way tie for 2nd place at bonus time (with Mr. Smith’s Class) but we booted the bonus.  A shame, too, because one of the answers that we missed came to me after we turned in our answers, but that’s immaterial.  It did end our winning streak, however, although one of those wins was fairly ill-gotten.  But we still got the cash, SO WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?!!???!  Us, that’s who. 

Here be questions.  I’ll try to remember to hide the answers.  Just for poops and giggles, we missed numbers 2, 5, and 14.  And, of course, the bonus.  You just had to bring that up.

1.  To whom is Madonna married?  (Guy Ritchie.  But for how long??!??!?!?  Seriously, Guy needs to dump that broad, amiright, and get back to the business of making movies in which she doesn’t appear.  With Jason Statham.  ‘Cuz he’s fucking harsh.)

2.  Mt. Katahdin is the highest point of which US state?  (Apparently, it’s Maine.  And not Kentucky.  Also, apparently, it’s the northern terminus of the Appalachian Trail.  And, further apparently, the guys who knew that were all faux-outdoorsy douchebags with AT stickers on the X-Terras and Land Rovers that their collective parents bought for them and that they drive to “work” at dad’s contractor office for the rest of their pathetic meaningless lives.  Too harsh, or not nearly harsh enough?)

3.  Which instrument does not belong in the brass family: the bugle, the tuba, or the clarinet?  (The clarinet.  Also known as the loser instrument that losers used to play because they were losers and not nearly boss enough for sweet flute action.  Seriously, this was deceptively easy after that geographic sucker punch.)

4.  On this day in 1997, who bit Evander Holyfield?  (Correct answer, his dog.  PSYCH!  It was Mike Tyson.  You totally were fooled about the dog thing, weren’t you?  [Extend hand for high five, retract hand, run hand through hair, and cough awkwardly].)

5.  Who was the first non-injun person to discover North America?  (If you said Leif Ericsson, than Happy Leif Ericsson Day to you too!  But you’re still wrong.  The actual answer is Erik the Red.  We went the Leif route, as did most other teams who didn’t go “Golly, I don’t know, Christopher Columbus?”  This one’s a sucker punch too, though, because Erik the Red only discovered Greenland and Leif Ericsson, his murderous son, was the first to actually discover the mainland.  Technically, the right answer is Erik the Red, but c’mon! )

6.  What do you call the hybrid offspring of a tiger and a lion?  (There really has to be some perfect punchline for this, but the best I can come up with is “Deadly.”  Maybe “Joe Don Baker.”  Anyway, the real answer is the cuddly liger.)

7.  What 2 actors star in the new film “Step-Brothers?”  (Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly.  Strange, because its a Will Ferrell movie that neither A) takes place in the not-too-distant past or B) involves a delightfully tongue-in-cheek interpretation of an unpopular sport.  I might have lifted that criticism from Best Week Ever or Talk Soup or some other really lame pop-culture roundup.  Or maybe that was all me baby!)

8.  In what country can you find Bangalore, the Krishna River, and an Arabian Sea coastline?  (India.  By the way, did you know that in Rand McNally you where hats on your feet and hamburgers eat people?  That joke I didn’t steal, so whatever dude.)

9.  According to the USDA, what potato disease was the main cause of the Irish Potato Famine?  (Blight!  And we got it right!  Oh what a night!  Seriously, I didn’t actually know that “blight” was a disease.  I thought it was just the general term for “effed up crap” or “fucked up shit,” but we put it down anyway.  Good thing too.)

10.  Which event happened first: Michael Jackson’s Thriller video or Britney Spears’ debut on Star Search?  (Thriller, of course.  This seemed a little too easy for a 15-pointer so we were wary of a trick, something along the lines of “Oops, Michael Jackson never actually did a Thriller video!” but thankfully we went with head over heart.)

11.  Who was the first American to orbit the Earth in 1962?  ( John Glenn.  Dad thought it was Alan Shepherd, but I reminded him that  while Shepherd was the first American in space, Glenn was the first to orbit.  Dad also kept insisting that Shepherd was the first human in space, but I reminded him that although Russians are more closely related to the higher orders of apes, they are still technically human and they still technically beat us into space.)

12.  What movie has a portrait of Plymouth Harbour, Billy Zane, and ice?  (Titanic.  Apparently, Dad’s never seen Titanic.  Odd.  At any rate, I have to say that the parts where Billy Zane’s rich Boston aristocrat was sporting sweet 3-D glasses and taking orders from Biff kinda took me out of the movie.  The sequel was underrated though.)

13.  Who developed the Prairie School of architecture in Chicago?  (Frank Lloyd Wright.  Both Chris and Andy dared me to name another architect besides Wright.  Although I gave them both I.M. Pei, I’m pretty sure that there was an architect Smurf, probably named Architect Smurf, that would have made a better answer.  Or Jesus, who, being a carpenter, probably built houses.  Even if he didn’t, he has the whole dying for our sins thing and the whole water into wine thing.  The best Frank Lloyd Wright managed was dying for our sins, so he’s still an alcoholic miracle behind the King of Kings.)

14.  What are the 2 oldest AFC (football) teams?  (The correct answers are the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Baltimore Ravens/Cleveland Browns.  We said Baltimore and Indianapolis.  Andy said Pittsburgh and the Cleveland Browns, but Andy was wrong.  You see, although the Cleveland Browns were originally founded before the other AFC teams save Pittsburgh, when the team moved to Baltimore and became the Ravens they retained the history and records of the old Browns.  The CURRENT team located in Cleveland, confusingly also named the Browns, are in fact an expansion team that only came about in 1999.  Anyway, if you’re still awake, I’ll move along. )

15.  Who has been in the following films: Scent of a Woman, Twister, and Almost Famous?  (Philip Seymour Hoffman.  I’ve actually seen all of these movies, which is so rare for these questions.  I guess I’m just a fan of large pasty white guys, what with me being pasty white and larger than life.)

16.  In what decade was the jet engine invented?  (The 1930s.  Specifically, in 1939 by zee Nazis.  There’s enough Nazi humor out there, what with Hogan’s Heroes, so I won’t bore you with yet another labored Bavarian-cream-pie-in-the-face-murder-or-Jews-and-Gypsys joke.)

BONUS!!  Category:  Go Green!
Q:  According to the American Council for Energy Efficiency (or something), name 5 of the 6 vehicle manufacturers with cars among the top 10 most environmentally friendly autos.  (They are Honda, Toyota, Ford, Nissan, Smart, and Mini.  We got the first 4 right, but said Chevrolet and Saturn instead of Smart and Mini.  It seems to me that a Saturn hybrid would be more environmentally friendly than a Mini, since there are no Mini hybrids, so I’m still a little mystified.  But I digress.)

Anyway, those be the questions.  I think we did alright for ourselves, and we’ll be able to weather the blow to our finances, what with our Scrooge McDuck-esque stack of previous earnings.  Weep not for us sister!!