First: There is a mountain. Then: There is no mountain.

Then, and this is the important part, THEN THERE IS?!  I HOPE YOU HAD SOME KLEENEX AT HAND, BECAUSE YOUR MIND HAS CERTAINLY BEEN BLOWN.  I’ll allow you a moment to clean up the phantasmagoric mess.  Done?  Okay then.

At this point, I’ll tell you that the subject of the post has nothing to do with our trivia experience this week.  But the words of Donovan echo through all things, so, in a roundabout way, his lyrics are inextricable from the very fabric of life itself, so deal with it.  Cut to the chase: we didn’t win.  It was quite the “drag,” as the kids say.  It turns out we weren’t “with it” enough, and we ended up “right off.”  I blame robots.  More than that, I blame the robot overlords of the SEC, because that was our downfall.  And by SEC, I mean the Southeastern Conference, a collegiate football confederation, and not the Securities and Exchange Commission.  I have no problem with the robot overlords at the other SEC. 

Our team this week was Dr. Beardface (That’s Beardfacé!!).  It induced many a chuckle, don’t you worry about that.  But winning it did not induce.  It really was lame though, because we actually did very well.  We only missed 2 questions in the first four rounds (#12 and #9, #9, #9, #9…).  But then there was the bonus.  Oy vey!  It was a deceptively fiendish question, couched in familiar cadences but with deadly poison bubbling just beneath the surface.  Oh the pain, the pain of it all!  Only 2 teams actually got the thing right, so I guess we can’t feel that bad about it.  It is a shame that a good game was otherwise wasted.  But, honestly, it wasn’t that good of a game.  After last week was “too hard,” Andy lightened things up and told us that the questions were gonna be a bit easier than last week.  And, by and large, they were.  So that was good.  But I was also hampered by the fact that Dad was no help at all.  Nary a question answered.  C’est dommage.

HERE BE QUESTIONS!  By the way, did you know that a stock phrase with certain parts that can be filled in with different words is called a snowclone?  Like “X is the new Y.”  Or “Here be X.”  or “When your Xing the Y, don’t W the Z or else A.”  I just thought you might like to know.

1.  Tim Tebow recently got on stage with what country music star?  (Kenny Chesney.  Andy asked me who, of the 2, I would rather punch in the giblets.  I responded that there are few people that I would rather effectively castrate than Tim Tebow.  And then I walked away.  Ok, that story really should have ended with somebody being punched in the balls, but I just couldn’t get the hate going tonight.)

2.  Australia, Indonesia, and Madagascar all have shores on which ocean?  (If you said the Pacific, then congratulations!  You’re a member of Mr. Smith’s Class!  You’re also very wrong.  The RIGHT answer is the Indian Ocean.  Is it wrong to gloat?  Probably.  But on the other hand we are the greatest of all time, so.  There’s that.)

3.  What’s the full name of Matthew Perry’s character on the hit Television show “Friends?”  (I think you know.  It’s Neurotico K. Wackypants.  Actually Chandler Bing, but I’m sure that you already knew that.  “But as wacky as those kids were, they were no match for Captain Wacky! [Later renamed Homer.]“)

4.  What Japanese mountain is considered sacred by Buddhists and Shintos?  (Mt. Foojee.  Or Fuji.  I kind of like the phonetic spelling though.  Foojee.  Foooooooooooooojeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.  As fun to say as it is to use as a tool of cultural insensitivity!)

5.  On this day in 1965, which president signed Medicare into law?  (That’d be LBJ.  Stands fer Lyndon Beatin’ Ass Johnson.  Seems he was known for Beatin’ Ass.  Whether or not names were taken is lost to the historical record.)

6.  How many quarts are in a gallon?  (Well, how many Einstein?  Is it 5?  6?  WRONG!!!  The answer is 4.  Again, I list it only for the sake of completion, not because I think you needed to know.  But, then again, you probably measure milk in “litres” down there, don’t you?  Why don’t you put the milk in the “boot” next to the “pram” then light up a “fag”?  We saved your ass in WW the Deuce, and don’t you forget it.  Beatin’ ass. )

7.  Who wrote the following: Dolores Claiborne, Running Man, and The Green Mile?  (Stephen King.  The last one kinda gave it away.  There’s nothing really funny about Stephen King, what with him being an American hero and all.  Did you know that he saved yer ass in WW the Deuce?  ‘Nuff said.)

8.  Who is Major League Baseball’s all-time strikeout leader?  (You said Steve Carlton, didn’t you?  Silly billy!  It’s actually Nolan Ryan.  Did you know that Ryan used his fastball to save yer ass in WW the Deuce?  Beatin’ ass.)

9.  What movie is set in Seattle and features a roller coaster and Alyssa Milano?  (It might have helped if he also mentioned a young pre-legitimate acting work “Marky” Mark Wahlberg.  Or maybe it wouldn’t have.  We said Commando, and we were quite wrong.  The answer was Fear, which I saw once a looooong time ago.  I don’t even remember Alyssa Milano being in it.  You know what I do remember Milano from?  Who’s The Boss!  All about a young housekeeper/plumber/whatever played by Tony Danza.  Fun fact: Tony Danza saved yer ass in WW the Deuce.  USA! USA!)

10.  What is Barry Gordy, Jr. famous for founding?  (Obviously, the answer is Rockwell’s career.  To a lesser extent, he’s known for founding Motown Records, but when put up against the sublime transcendence that is “Somebody’s Watching Me,” all things turn to pale ashen pablum.  And need I remind you of how Rockwell saved yer ass in WW the Deuce?  Of course, the answer is yes.)

11.  In what country can you find the following: Lake Eau Claire, the Queen Charlotte Islands, and Fort Vermilion?  (Our maple syrup-drinking neighbor to the north, Canada!  Our home and native land, true patriot blah blah blah.  Canada, as we know, is a stronghold of communism and hockey.  Sometimes I wonder why we even sent that elite squadron made up of LBJ, Nolan Ryan, Stephen King, Tony Danza and Rockwell to save their ass in WW the Deuce.  Why??!?! )

12.  What album by Michael Jackson contains the tracks “Remember the Time,” “Who is it?” and “Jam”?  (We put Black or White, but that does not appear to be an album.  But it is a kick-ass song.  Apparently, the album is Dangerous, which is not a kick-ass Michael Jackson song.  You know what other Michael Jackson songs kick ass?  I’ll tell you.  All of ‘em.  There was “Fat,” “Eat It,” and “Lasagna.”  Oh, and “Another One Rides the Bus.”  Artiste!)

13.  What early civilization is credited with inventing the catapult?  (Greece!  Ancient Greece that is.  Modern Greece is credited with the baklavapult and the gatling gyro.  As delicious as they are deadly.  Just like radishes!)

14.  According to the American Museum of Natural History, which is faster: a grizzly bear or a rabbit?  (As we all know, deliciousness is directly linked to speed.  So, the deliciously dangerous grizzly bear can go 32 mph, but the dangerously delicious Wascally Wabbit can travel at speeds in excess of 45 deliciousness units per delicious.  We figured that this was a set up, where you say that the answer is obviously the rabbit, but since it’s a 20-point it can’t be the rabbit.  But that’s how they get ya.  So, we chose wabbit.  And we was right.)

15.  Who has been in the following films: “A Far Place,” “American Psycho,” and “Election?”  (I’ve never seen the first two, so we worked from “Election.”  And I figured that Matthew Broderick wouldn’t have been in “American Psycho,” so that left Chris Klein and Reese Witherspoon.  Luckily, I figured out that American Psycho and American Pie were totally unrelated, so we went with Reese Witherspoon.  We chose…wisely.)

16.  What decade saw the opening of Radio City Music Hall?  ( That’d be the 1930s, when men were men and dames were dames.  A rough and tumble decade of space pirates and vegemite, and a decade of us savin’ yer ass in WW the Deuce.  Bustin’ ass.)

BONUS!  Category: The SEC (if you’re confused as to whether this refers to the sporting designation or the financial designation, please see above)

Q.  Name the 5 highest paid coaches in the SEC.  (You want to say Phil Fulmer, don’t you?  Well too bad.  Fulmer is actually a poor vagabond who rides the rails from town to town searchin’ for the big rock candy mountain.  Or a free Chavis Donutburger.  As delicious as it is deadly.  No, the ACTUAL ANSWER is: Nick Saban (Alabama), Urban Meyer (Florida), Tommy Tuberville (Auburn), Les Miles (LSU), and Bobby Petrino (Arkansas).  We got the first 3, but we also put down Fulmer and Mark Richt at Georgia, who I was sure would be in there.  But, alas, it was not to be.  We were in sole possession of the lead going into the question but we were but a face in the crowd of also-rans at the end.  Such is the cruel hand of fate.)

So, there you have it.  A sordid tale of bustin’ asses and delicious danger.  My life in so many words.  I’m tired now, so I’m a stop typing.  Right.  Now.